dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
