He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
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how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
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Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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