My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
