He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
