i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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