You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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