It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
