i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
