i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
