Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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