apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
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Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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