Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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