woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
