I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
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