I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The beer is more important than you right now.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
