Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
