Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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