shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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