I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
