Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I just found a bag of teeth...
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
