yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
