Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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