I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Too much gin, very little bucket
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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