I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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