I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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