he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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