Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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