Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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