I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Randomize
