My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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