I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
God, you're like boner-b-gone
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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