i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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