I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
