I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
