im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
