I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
