and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
