you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
