Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
