I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
