don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
