beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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