Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
