Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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