If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Help me help you realize you are a moron
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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