i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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