My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
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Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
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Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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