You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
