I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
