saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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