Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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