dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
