I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
