note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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