Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
vagina is talking i cant
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
