a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm passing your future prison.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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