I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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