Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
