i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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