if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
