The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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