Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
