I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
